My grandmother, Gram, taught me how to wave like a queen.  “Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist.”  She was as graceful as any queen, with the same stature of class, etiquette, intelligence, style, beauty, and heart.

It’s difficult to not miss any woman that can be so effortlessly described and aligned with royalty.  And to have such a woman deeply rooted in my life, ever present in my childhood as my second parent, loving me like a princess…  To have been able to call her my gram was a gift, a blessing.  So very blessed for all her love.  

At the mature age of 77 years, Gram passed away.  Just before our 23rd birthday.  She waited to see all her grand babies, she waited until she was in the comfort of her own home.  It was much too soon, much too sudden.  During her time in the hospital, only days before her death, I knew it was the end.  I went to say goodbye to her.  Part of my heart was at peace, or so I thought.  I can say with the strongest certainty I have ever known in my whole life that I am overflowing with happiness that she is finally at rest, with our Lord.  It would be so easy for me to maintain bitterness, despair in knowing that I can never again hold her hand, watch her fill out the crossword, smell her perfume, watch and help her prepare dinner, sit with her in the quiet, dark morning before the house was awake, or laugh with her until both of us had tears streaming down our faces.

Too, too easy.

But instead I allow my heart to rest, for she is safe, free of pain, full of love, watching down on us.  Smiling and enjoying me live my life to its fullest potential.  Her heart swollen with pride and love.  I do not doubt our God, I do not hate him.  I do not question why she left us with little warning, I trust Him and continue to live in a way that Gram would see as purposeful, strong, and blissful.  She always wanted to me to have the best life.  And I just wanted her to be happy, truly happy.

When I visited her in the hospital, part of her mind was already gone.  She was the cutest dementia patient, I must say so myself.  Adorable, spunky, silly and feisty.  Arteries in her brain were not perfusing as they should be, so by the time I got to her she had suffered multiple ischemic strokes.  The granddaughter and nurse in me loved on her as much as I could without emotionally losing it.  It’s the hardest thing to see your loved ones in a hospital bed, so fragile and vulnerable.  Oh, I held her hand and talked to her and she enjoyed it so.  Her beautiful green eyes were bright and danced with so much joy.  Never in my life have I seen her so happy.  God has so much insight, he brought her to that point to bring her happiness.  To alleviate her heart, mind and soul of the frustrations and hardships she’s endured.  She was at a point where she could say goodbye and let go in peace.

I am so thankful. 

My gram is one of the most important people in my life.  We are kindred spirits.  Her oldest granddaughter, her ballerina, her princess.  I miss her laugh, I our tearful conversations on the phone professing our love for each other, I so dearly miss her.  I accomplished many things in my life because of her and her love and generosity, and I am and will be forever grateful.  She was bigger than life, loved to love and loved life.  She loved her grandchildren, she loved us so much.  She was our beautiful queen, and we were her collection of princesses, angel babies and choo-choo boys.  

Yes, I will always miss her.  Yes, I know that this hole in my heart will eventually mend.  No, I will never forget you, Gram.  How could anyone?  Your legacy lives on, your memory will never fade.  I love you much too much for that.  You are one of the most beautiful souls I have ever had the privilege of knowing.  

Rest in peace forever, Grammie.  We all miss you, all of us.