My grandmother, Gram, taught me how to wave like a queen.  “Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist.”  She was as graceful as any queen, with the same stature of class, etiquette, intelligence, style, beauty, and heart.

It’s difficult to not miss any woman that can be so effortlessly described and aligned with royalty.  And to have such a woman deeply rooted in my life, ever present in my childhood as my second parent, loving me like a princess…  To have been able to call her my gram was a gift, a blessing.  So very blessed for all her love.  

At the mature age of 77 years, Gram passed away.  Just before our 23rd birthday.  She waited to see all her grand babies, she waited until she was in the comfort of her own home.  It was much too soon, much too sudden.  During her time in the hospital, only days before her death, I knew it was the end.  I went to say goodbye to her.  Part of my heart was at peace, or so I thought.  I can say with the strongest certainty I have ever known in my whole life that I am overflowing with happiness that she is finally at rest, with our Lord.  It would be so easy for me to maintain bitterness, despair in knowing that I can never again hold her hand, watch her fill out the crossword, smell her perfume, watch and help her prepare dinner, sit with her in the quiet, dark morning before the house was awake, or laugh with her until both of us had tears streaming down our faces.

Too, too easy.

But instead I allow my heart to rest, for she is safe, free of pain, full of love, watching down on us.  Smiling and enjoying me live my life to its fullest potential.  Her heart swollen with pride and love.  I do not doubt our God, I do not hate him.  I do not question why she left us with little warning, I trust Him and continue to live in a way that Gram would see as purposeful, strong, and blissful.  She always wanted to me to have the best life.  And I just wanted her to be happy, truly happy.

When I visited her in the hospital, part of her mind was already gone.  She was the cutest dementia patient, I must say so myself.  Adorable, spunky, silly and feisty.  Arteries in her brain were not perfusing as they should be, so by the time I got to her she had suffered multiple ischemic strokes.  The granddaughter and nurse in me loved on her as much as I could without emotionally losing it.  It’s the hardest thing to see your loved ones in a hospital bed, so fragile and vulnerable.  Oh, I held her hand and talked to her and she enjoyed it so.  Her beautiful green eyes were bright and danced with so much joy.  Never in my life have I seen her so happy.  God has so much insight, he brought her to that point to bring her happiness.  To alleviate her heart, mind and soul of the frustrations and hardships she’s endured.  She was at a point where she could say goodbye and let go in peace.

I am so thankful. 

My gram is one of the most important people in my life.  We are kindred spirits.  Her oldest granddaughter, her ballerina, her princess.  I miss her laugh, I our tearful conversations on the phone professing our love for each other, I so dearly miss her.  I accomplished many things in my life because of her and her love and generosity, and I am and will be forever grateful.  She was bigger than life, loved to love and loved life.  She loved her grandchildren, she loved us so much.  She was our beautiful queen, and we were her collection of princesses, angel babies and choo-choo boys.  

Yes, I will always miss her.  Yes, I know that this hole in my heart will eventually mend.  No, I will never forget you, Gram.  How could anyone?  Your legacy lives on, your memory will never fade.  I love you much too much for that.  You are one of the most beautiful souls I have ever had the privilege of knowing.  

Rest in peace forever, Grammie.  We all miss you, all of us.

Nothing quite like a written love note.  Whats more is that there’s nothing like writing a special note for the one that holds your heart, especially at night.  I am a creature of darkness, so I know great bias exists here, but even so…  Enveloped in the tranquility of night, rejoiced in the warm light of burning candles and cozied on the couch in comfortable fashion.  Maybe some soft, soulful, inspiring music playing in the background.

Tell me that doesn’t sound divine.  Add some chocolate, you got yourself a full on date with yourself.  

I’ve always appreciated the written word, and I guess I have a thing for writing little blurbs.  Always had a problem with being a little wordy, but there’s too many words I like to not be wordy.  We live in a beautiful world with beautiful words – what’s a girl to do?

I think love notes are under appreciated in today’s society.  People too easily throw around “I love yous” with text messages, but to see it in someone’s handwriting is personable, connectable, impressionable.  I was totally born in the wrong era (no offense, love you Mom).  How romantic were Noah’s letters to Allie? C’mon.  If I’ve lost you, please educate yourself with Nicolas Sparks’ work.  (You’re welcome.)  The acknowledgement and affirmation of your affections for someone with ink on paper is thrilling.  It may be quite serious, or playful, but intentional.  I think that may be why I admire it so, the intent behind the romantic words, the adoration hidden in between the words, laying sweetly on the page’s surface.  

And yes, reading someone’s love note is just as lovely.  The kind of lovely that makes you hold your breath, reread, remind yourself to breathe, ignore your own reminder, feel your heart skip (a few times), remember that you actually do need to breathe…and then reread every single delightful word with a glowing heart and a moonstruck soul (ahem, princess of the night).

Try it, write your beau a love note.  Doesn’t have to be longer than a few words, really.  Just enough to deliver your endearment, your sincere heart.  

What human doesn’t enjoy reading expressed fondness about themselves? Win, win.  Add chocolate….you’re golden 🙂 

Definitely time for this girl to enjoy The Notebook.  And by enjoy I mean sit on the couch (in the dark of course) with chocolate, a sweet glass of wine and cry because its so perfect.  And by cry I mean uncontrollably sob because thats what females do when they watch The Notebook. XOXO 

My sister and my blondie!  My girls! 🙂

My little big sister came to visit! She brought a little bit of California sunshine with her, the last several days in Seattle have been sunshiny, warm, and beautiful! I have my sun-kissed skin back (boy oh boy did I miss my California glow!) which is tremendously awesome. Thank you, sister 🙂

Today was her last full day with me, and we had some fun! This morning was lazily spent (something we both needed, I think) then we went kayaking! I had never been before, and I thought that she would enjoy going out! We decided on Greenlake, no boat traffic! Although I consider myself quite the fish (mermaid, really), the idea of going out kayaking for the first time with boats made me nervous. And who doesn’t like Greenlake? Gorgeous! I took her earlier in the week for a week before our yummy trip to Molly Moons. I make quite the host, yes?

After some wardrobe changes and collection of the furry blondie, we started heading towards Lake Union to watch the sail boat race! We ended up meeting one of my very dear friends at Gas Works Park. The view was perfect. My sister said as much when we were walking in the park, and I replied “Welcome to my city.” I think she would thrive here, she is very outdoorsy, trendy, independent. Seattleite…

She has grown into such a beautiful young woman. Completely proud of the individual she has become, looking forward to watching her grow into her high, high potential. Deeply rooted in God’s grace, valuing her education, establishing positive relationships, living a passionate life – all things that I would wish for those I love. She’s having a wonderful college experience and excited about her future. My baby girl is living the life!

Growing up we had intense bickering as a base for our sister sister relationship, but when I went to college I think we grew closer. I was always close to my twin brother, now its lovely to be close to both of them 🙂 My sister is hilarious, has her own sassy style and has a boldness that I would never be able to successfully deliver. We are extremely different, and I love her for everything that makes her, her.

I will miss her terribly as soon as I drop her off at the airport. We made some incredible memories. Many laughs and hugs these last days. So appreciative of her!

It’s my Friday and I’m feeling fine! First and foremost: I’ve been slacking on my cupcake making and I promised next time to bring my goodies into work. Part of my NICU lovelies doubt my cupcake capabilities, and I guess rightly so because….. I haven’t made anything in a while! I keep having great yummy ideas but no inspiration to actually turn the oven on. Fail. Fail!

Started a new book last night, Gone Girl. Haven’t gotten too far but so far so good. Keeping me awake at late hours of the night 🙂

I discovered my front yard has a cherry tree, which is exciting! They’re all sour right now, but that doesn’t stop my blondie from eating them! I hope the fruit becomes a little bit sweeter. Who doesn’t love cherries?! And in my front yard? Awesome!

I’ve been doing great on eating healthy and I think I’m feeling pretty wonderful even with my frequent switching to day/nights and absolutely no circadian rhythm to speak of. If I don’t get crazy in the grocery store (really hard to exhibit self control around all the yummies) then I’m golden!

Lately it’s been grey and (as of earlier today) rainy. I found the cool evening to be comforting; watching the clouds, fog rolling in was beautiful. Seattle girl? I’m thinking maybe yes surely so!

Lots of social things happening this next week in my life, looking forward to some days off 🙂

XOXO

It wasn’t until 0230 I was able to fall asleep this morning.  Granted, I did sleep quite a bit yesterday.  

I awoke at approximately 0342.  My dog was throwing up.  On my bed.  Don’t worry, this isn’t a gross crazy dog lady story.  

After taking her out, turning our wittle pink fan on (sometimes she gets overheated and feels the need to barf, but I totally understand), giving her one too many cookies to tie her over until breakfast time and making her drink water I also took a quick bite from the fridge, downed my vitamins, hydrated my own little body and made some yummy green tea.  I was wide awake and knew I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep.  Unfortunate.

I asked my blonde fur baby if she was a night shifter, too.  She just looked up towards her cookie cabinet.

I digress.  Continuing on to the main topic of this post.

Lately I have been thinking about working nights and the horrific toll it takes on my body.  I’ve been reading too much about how I’m going to die a young, early death.  I have a vivid imagination.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love working the night shift.  I have never been a huge sleeper (hence my full comprehensive functioning right now), and the thought of waking up at 0400 to work all day stresses me out.  Nights are more conducive to snuggling babies, if its the right night.  I feel like I can get to know my patients more and focus 100% on the tiny miracles.  And if its nice outside I can still sort of enjoy the sunshine before work.  I can also (some days more than others) do things after work instead of leaving the “office” at 1900 and just going homesies.  I have the whole day ahead of me!  And I love the fact that I’m not a part of society that participates in the typical “9-5 job.”  Basically, I’m a weirdo who likes the night shift.

Even though I’m a weirdo and enjoy it, there are some things I dislike.

1. When switching back to day functioning (yes, I do that, and yes, I know its terrible for me) some days I cannot shake the “fuzzy” feeling no matter how much caffeine I consume or what activities are included in the day.  Or how much sleep I get.

2. My eating habits are weird.

3. People who don’t work nights (i.e. everyone else in my life) always tell me to sleep if they are in close physical vicinity to me after I work a shift.  I’m a grown up.  …………………okay, I pretend to be a grown up.  But I know when I’m going to die and when I can push on and get away with a few hours of staying awake 🙂

4. This might piggyback on dislike thing #3.  I think working nights scares any potential coffee date.  AKA dog lady for life.

I would like to focus on dislike thing #2 because I think it may influence dislike thing #1 and, well, the last two things can be solved by being a dog lady forever.  

For a hot second I was considering the paleo diet because I’ve heard a lot of good things about it and thought that it would be easy for me to make the switch.  Initially, the only thing that wearied me was all the meat.  I’m not a huge carnivore – I loathe preparing meat and it just doesn’t do much for me.  I’ve watched too many documentaries that illustrate the meat industry in the U.S. and I’m not a fan.  As I researched, I found some other things about paleo.  I love beans, legumes, quinoa.  Definite problem.

Then I found myself thinking that I would commit to vegetarianism.  It would be easy, I think.  Once in a blue moon do I prepare meat at home, though usually if I eat meat it will be at a restaurant.  But being a vegetarian would instigate one (perhaps big) problem.  Also once in a blue moon (what if people said pink moon?  I’d be all for that) this girl gets herself a insatiable craving for a burger.  With bacon.  Thinking about it now makes me nauseous.  I’m telling you people, I have to be in a huge mood for a burger.  But it happens.  I might really, really, really miss that.

Did you know “flexitarian” is a diet?  It quite accurately describes my diet.  Mostly fruits, veggies, legumes, whole grains, etc. and sometimes incorporates meat.  ME.  Who knew!  

Conclusion.  I will continue with this flexitarianism approach but make a committed movement to cut out all processed foods and refined sugars from my diet.  I’m already crying about the latter.  Anyone who knows me knows I’m a declared sugar addict.  It will be hard!  When I’m tired I crave crave crave my sugar!  Bad.  Addicted, I am telling you!   Some days I’m better than others about not eating processed foods.  It’s really simple – I don’t buy it, I don’t eat it.  So it becomes a battle of self discipline at the grocery store.  My weakness: buying groceries with a hungry tummy.  I strongly discourage that practice for all the human beings out there.

I’m currently obsessing over my diet because I want to feel good 100% of the time.  This may be asking a lot but its worth a shot.  I don’t drink milk, but I do eat cheese sparingly and I try to eat yogurt for the good ol’ probiotics and protein.  A couple weeks ago I ate (too much) ice cream and my body flipped.  Lesson learned.  I love my fruits and veggies, so I don’t think this new food adventure will be too taxing.  Gee, I hope not.  

I’ll keep you posted.  I won’t start anew until I have to grocery shop (which translates to me slowly devouring and treasuring every piece of salty processed food and sugary goodness in my house)!

Might be time to feed my blondie.  I think I hear her tummy grumbling.  Oh wait, she’s snoring. XOXO 

As we near Mother’s Day weekend, I find myself missing my mom just a little bit more.  I wonder if she thought about her first Mother’s Day on the day of our birth.  I wonder if she thought about it during her hellacious pregnancy.  Yes, a twin pregnancy is most definitely hellacious.  I don’t take it personally, though, and she never seemed to hold a grudge. 

I know that my mom’s purpose was to be a mother.  She does such a damn good job.  I am not discrediting other moms out there, I know many moms are huge rockstars, and I praise the strength it takes to be a mom.  Mine, she’s the best.  I know, my opinion is totally and completely biased.  She raised three children as a single parent.  And worked full time.  Yes, she had help.  But the title alone of being a single mom has such stigma and I have seen firsthand how degrading or judgmental people can be.  My mom raised us with such determination, grace and love.  

Raising children i.e.: making sure we had full tummies, plenty of laughs, good manners, taking us to ballet, soccer, swim, gymnastics, birthday parties, making sure our homework was done, teaching us the golden rule, enforcing the golden rule, teaching us to love, pursuing us to follow our dreams, always highlighting the value of education, putting a roof over our head, instilling life morals deep in our souls, making sure that we are cautious, teaching us how to make good life decisions…  Let’s not mention serving as a human incubator. And I can’t even imagine all the stress we have/are putting her through.  Sorry, Mom.  We don’t mean it.  

“Raising children” cannot be defined because I believe it is an infinite concept that is ongoing.  My mom is one of the closest people in my life and I continue to trust her judgement, her advice, and her love.  She’s not my best friend, she’s my mom.  And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

One of my favorite things about my childhood is just that.  It was a childhood.  I had little responsibility and thoroughly enjoyed it.  This goes beyond missing the simplicity of nap time and realizing now, that I did not fully appreciate nap time as I should have.  Rather, my mom allowed us to have a childhood.  We didn’t receive allowance as many of our peers did, but we did have some (very little) household chores that we had to do.  We did have to do our homework and we had to do our best.  Not straight As, but our best.  Which I think my mom did a great job at – holding each child to his and her own potential and not comparing each other.  She allowed us to be our own individuals.  

As a young adult that has to now pay her own bills (a complicated topic because I love it but I hate it – it means I am able to fully support myself but the act of being an adult and paying my life away hurts) I envy the little responsibility my mother made sure I had.  Didn’t have?  My mom says “When you’re a parent, you’ll understand.”  Though I am not a parent, I do understand why she strongly protested that we had part time jobs in high school.  She knew we had to work for the rest of our lives.  She didn’t want us to start early.  One of the many reasons I love that smart woman.  She’s funny too.  And beautiful, inside and out. 

My heart celebrates my mother every day, not just Mother’s Day.  She is one of my role models, and I hope that one day I am able to be half the mother she is.  I will be with new mommys this weekend at work, not mine.  But I will be thinking of her as I always am, and doing my best to support my moms and their miracle babies on the unit.  My mom is the strongest woman I know and one day to thank her seems like a cruel injustice.  How do you thank someone in a single day for raising you into the young woman you are today?  I will be forever grateful.  

There is no love like my mom’s. 

I love you, Mom. XOXO

Nursing school introduced me to the love of my life.  Coffee.  (Let’s be honest, I graduated nursing school only because I had access to caffeine basically 24/7).

My favorite is my vanilla latte from Starbucks.  And the new vanilla macchiato is pretty yummy, too.

But when I don’t want to splurge on my Starbies, I make a cup of coffee with my PINK Keurig.  I prefer my Starbies kcups – vanilla is my favorite.  Shocking.

Personal Pink Keurig

I’m confident that I am 100% addicted to my caffeine.  And you know what?  I am completely okay with it.  Could be worse.

Coffee and lattes when I’m desperate or feeling liking sipping on something yummy and tea whenever I feel like it.  I like that I can use my Keurig to make hot water for my tea!  I think its one of my favorite kitchen gadgets.  And hello, its pink.